Wink, smiles, and how to deal with that walk

Lately, crochet was being left aside. I kinda felt guilty.

Knitting took much of my time, and I had not found *that* crochet project to get my back to my hooks again - It had to be something special.

But saturday... Well, I've made mandalas before. Four, actually. I'm not new to the concept. I use them as potholders - mom loves it!

Going back to this saturday - What happened? - Well, I made this pattern I wanted to do since - please forgive me - Last year. The idea came to me as I wanted to make a gift for a very special friend. It had to be something colorful and happy - Something she could use to decorate her home and give her a smile everytime she looked at the colors.

Then, this was born. I will name it "Winks Mandala" because, one - it's her pattern, and two - I want to smile when I think of Wink, too. Right now, when I think of her, sadness takes over.

I am no stranger to depression. Had my first experience with it when I was just 10 years old. Somedays it felt like a truck had hit me - I was useless. Thinking was painful. But that's what I did the most - Thinking. And that lead to a crushing anxiety. It was bad.

Somehow, I found the fabled "light at the end of the tunnel". The very concept of this makes me mad - It implies that the only thing you have to do is keep walking. But how can you keep walking when your legs are crushed and you can't see because there are tears in your eyes?

Yeah, it's one hell of a walk. Everytime you take a step, you second guess. You second guess your very existence.

When you get to that point, sometimes it's too late. You are so tired, nothing else makes sense. Nothing else really matters.

Wink and thousands of others got to that point. Some were able to find a tiny bit of sense, and are still here. Like me. Some were not able to see sense in anything... And are no longer with us. And that makes me angry.

Angry at them? No. Never. Angry with life. Angry with depression. I swear, I wish I could slap that bitch right in the face.

But I can't. Nor anyone. What can we do? Honestly, there are thousands of answers for that, and I don't know which one is the right one.

But I know this: We can all smile at the little things. We can lend a hand to those who need it. We can sing songs that we love when the rain starts pouring, and we might as well dance too - What else could do wrong?

And we can also make colorful mandalas and fill our homes with those. And everytime we see those, we can smile too. I'm pretty sure Wink would like that - That's the right way to honor her. To honor her talent.

I'm also pretty sure that Wink would want everyone to keep creating, crocheting, buying more yarn than we should.

I'm no wise wizard, but I know a few, little things. I know that we should love life - Yes, it's hard. Yes, sometimes we feel like throwing the towel. But waking up to see the sun shining is a wonderful thing. The sound of rain is the best music there is.

Holding a hook/needle in our hands, ready to create something... That's a blessing.

So let's keep doing what we are doing. Because bad days will come - But that means we're alive. And if we are here, well... That means the good ones will come to.

Keep going strong... Always.

Love, Tina